Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Hey everyone, I haven’t been updating as much because I have been adjusting to a new shift at work! I do plan to get back to blogging though because a lot has been going on, unfortunately. When you have a narcissist in your life, you want things to be quiet because otherwise it means non-stop drama. With the holidays approaching, one thing has become more and more clear – Harley and Cruella seem to be morphing into the same person. It’s scary, and it’s really concerning and most importantly, there’s not a damn thing we can do about it. I know I’ve mentioned that recently Harley has become more and more emotionally and verbally abusive to Sebastian when she talks to him. She has sounded a lot like Cruella, in that their voices sound very similar on the phone, but now she even talks like her – the things she says are dismissive, selfish, and thoughtlessly cruel.

1bdf5ec20473c55370be043f12ffefcfI think this has probably been a long time coming, even though it feels like it happened overnight. We have known and been afraid of Harley learning to be selfish and self-centered because kids emulate what they see. You learn how to be a person by observing the people around you and if they are sick and messed up, you become sick and messed up. In the absence of her father and then her brother, Harley has gone from having a narcissist and two normal people in her life to having only a narcissist. Observing Cruella, she is learning that only your feelings matter, no one else’s; that you can say whatever you want and if someone else is hurt that is their problem not yours; and that nothing matters but you. As she gets closer and closer to her teen years, which are inherently selfish, Harley seems to be morphing into her mother. She has also stopped resisting (if she ever did) abusing her father and brother on her mother’s behalf. She now calls to communicate Cruella’s agenda, rather than to just talk to them. In the months that they have been back in our state, she has spent only an hour with Sebastian – supervised by her mother – and she has never been in our home. Sebastian asked if she would be allowed to come to a therapy appointment with him, so that she could talk to his therapist about any issues she has with him and get any questions she has answered, but Cruella said that the only way she would allow that is if she can be right there with her. 6cea25a06528b099541f0eefc0fa14e4She has become so controlling of Harley, she barely lets her out of her sight! Sebastian’s therapist has met Cruella, back when they were in couple’s counseling and individual counseling with two therapists in the same practice, and she knows how sick and twisted Cruella is. To the point where Sebastian’s therapist says she will not be in the same room with Cruella ever again. That’s how sick this woman is! A therapist is afraid of her toxicness. So we are at an impasse.

I don’t know how Sebastian does it. If it were my child, I would probably cry every day. He says that he has grieved the loss of his child. What a horrible thing for a parent to have to do! Harley is purposely cruel when they talk on the phone, which isn’t often. She wanted to see Bruce over Thanksgiving break, and he was out of town. Sebastian asked her if she wanted to ride in the car with him to pick Bruce up, and Harley said “I don’t feel comfortable being in the car with you for hours.” I asked him why and he said he didn’t ask her. He says he actually doesn’t want to talk to her anymore, because all she does is attack him and say hurtful things. I don’t blame him, but at the same time my heart breaks for him. She told him she will visit at Christmas only because “the court says I have to and WE obey the law.” A dig at Sebastian not forcing Bruce to go visit Cruella. Cruella and Harley have become a “WE.” Sebastian says he will tell her she doesn’t have to visit if she doesn’t want to, which means she probably won’t come. I think we will all be relieved. f9c4b053e39d111d4b839049bc25d761She’s so mean and horrible, the thought of having her in our home for a week makes me sick to my stomach. He said if she does want to come he is going to talk to her about her attitude and let her know that we won’t tolerate her being a b**** to everyone. I doubt it will be an issue though, she won’t want to come unless Cruella tells her to come and spy on us. It’s so sad that it has come to this. There’s nothing we can do. The court has failed us and more importantly, Harley. $25,000 completely thrown away. We would have done better burning it in a fire out in the yard. Nothing has changed, and now our worst fears have come true, Cruella has turned her daughter into a tiny version of her – not just a narcissistic image where she is everything Cruella wanted to be but wasn’t (which is how she has always treated her) but now putting her words into Harley’s mouth, her thoughts into Harley’s head, controlling literally every aspect of her and her personality.

A couple years ago, one of Cruella’s sisters sent Sebastian a message on facebook telling him that he should try to get custody of Harley, because she looked so unhappy in all the pictures Cruella posted of her on facebook. That’s how bad it has been. I know Harley is miserable and she’s probably just doing what she needs to do to make her mother “love” her. If only society would catch up and realize that mothers are not always healthy, that some should not be allowed access to their children because their abuse is so all-encompassing and terrible. It’s too late for Harley I’m afraid. I wonder what the next ten years will be like? ūüė¶

The Facebook Betrayal

Since December 2014 – the first and last time Picture-1that I had an interaction with Sebastian’s ex-wife – I have had her blocked on Facebook. That holiday visit was the most epic meltdown I’ve ever been adjacent to (See my post “I Hate My Boyfriend’s Ex-Wife” for more on that) which convinced me that there was zero reason to ever interact with her. Sebastian had blocked her soon after we began dating, when he had posted a funny video and the comment that he laughed so hard he was “afraid I would wake up my girlfriend sleeping in the bedroom.” When the ex saw that, she called him and yelled at him for about 45 minutes.

Before this summer break began, in a rare moment of acting like a normal, sane person, she asked if Sebastian would unblock her so that she could see photos he took of the kids during break. It seemed like a reasonable request, so he did. I told him at that time that I would continue to block her, so he needed to make sure to save any photos I took and posted on my page, and post them again on his page so she could see them. Everything seemed to be going fine…

Until we went to a restaurant to celebrate Sebastian’s 41st birthday. His mother, the kids, and I all went to dinner and we took a couple photos that weren’t very good. His ex-wife hates me and hates his mother as well. She had previously said that she didn’t want to see any photos with me in them. During a conversation with Sebastian, she asked him if he planned to post the photos from the restaurant because she hadn’t seen them yet. At the time, it did immediately sink in to anyone that she knew what restaurant we had been to, the kids could have mentioned it to her after all. Then, a day or so later, she told Sebastian’s 15 year old son (I guess I should give the kids pseudonyms too, we will call him Bruce) Bruce not to change his facebook password. This was random and out of nowhere, it’s almost like she was setting this up because why would she say that to him?! He realized what was happening and he felt guilty about it even though he hadn’t done anything wrong. He went to his dad and told him that he was pretty sure his mom was using his facebook account to look at my page. Bruce was conflicted about what to do. Sebastian told me what was going on and I immediately said that I would just go ahead and block Bruce on facebook too. He rarely uses it for much of anything, since kids aren’t really into facebook, and if I blocked him it would save him the conflict with his mom that would ensue if he changed his password. Or so I thought!

Less than 24 hours later, the meltdown commenced. Bruce’s cellphone rang and it was his mom. There was nothing alarming about this as she calls the children at least once per day. Unfortunately it was the kind of call that Sebastian has gotten used to receiving – she was irrationally angry and screaming, wanting to lash out and hurt the people that upset her. In this case, it was her own son. She began yelling at him, telling him that he had betrayed her. She said that he had chosen me over her, and he was a hateful, selfish child who didn’t deserve her love. She said that she hoped he would be happy with his “new family” ie Sebastian and myself because she didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. She told him he was no¬† longer invited to spend the last two weeks of the summer with her parents, his grandparents, that she was not going to call and talk to him anymore, and that he was not even going to be able to visit her on holidays. (Oh, have I mentioned, Bruce is moving here to live with Sebastian? That’s a whole separate long post. It’s been a crazy summer!)

As you can see, that was a complete overreaction as well as being extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. These are the types of tirades that have come to be normal interactions with Sebastian but neither of the kids have ever had a full blown meltdown directed at them to my knowledge. This all happened because she logged in to Bruce’s facebook to spy on my page and couldn’t find me anymore. She realized that he must have told me and even though I had been trying to spare him the abuse by blocking him so he wouldn’t have to change his password, he was attacked anyway. This time, Sebastian had enough. He has never stood up for himself with her the way that I think that he should, taking much more verbal abuse than a human being ever should, but he stood up for his son. Sebastian told her that she is a sick individual. He said he has never told her this before but that she needed to know that she is very mentally ill and that she needs to seek help. He told her he would no longer allow her to talk to their children like that and to emotionally abuse them. He told her that kind of behavior was abuse and that if she doesn’t get help and get better that he will have to take custody of their daughter away from her. Eventually her anger faded and she broke down crying. People say: “hurt people hurt other people.” That may be true but there’s only a tiny part of me that can feel bad for her, because she’s 40 years old and a parent. No matter how bad her childhood and her marriage and her life have been, it doesn’t give her the right to abuse her children.

In the end, Bruce went ahead and changed his password on Facebook, hell he had already been yelled at! I felt very violated up until the point that she attacked Bruce, and then I realized it’s not really about me. Her sneaking around to look at my facebook page, looking at all my photos, secretly reading my posts, none of that is about me. That’s all about her low self-esteem, her emotional problems, and her mental illness. She doesn’t really care that Sebastian is with me, she hates that Sebastian is happy because she wants him to be as miserable as she is. (Even though she has a boyfriend too – not even sure how sick that poor dude must be to want to date her! O_o ) I feel very sorry for her. I’ve never wanted kids, but her kids are pretty cool. How sad it must be to not appreciate these cool little people that you gave birth to, instead seeing them only as pawns in a giant game of chess with her ex-husband. All she wants to do is win, the kids are collateral damage. This whole thing has made it crystal clear and now even Sebastian can’t deny that she does not care about anyone but herself. Whether she’s capable of caring we will probably never know, but it’s really clear that she doesn’t care about the feelings and mental health of her kids, all she cares about is punishing someone when she’s hurt. That’s really really effing sad.

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So you’re an evil baby-hater huh?

Because I know it will come up sooner than later, let me go ahead and address the elephant in the room: No, I don’t hate children. Just because I have never wanted to get pregnant and give birth, and just because I have never wanted to raise children of my own, it doesn’t mean I hate kids. Many of my close friends have kids. I’m in my mid-30s, this is the time that women are getting serious about whether or not they’re going to have kids and are becoming really aware that time is running out. I love all of my friends’ children. They’re cute, I enjoy looking at photos and videos of them on facebook. I enjoy that I don’t have to potty train them, teach them how to be functioning human beings, and desperately try not to f*** them up. I get to buy them cute outfits and give them back to their parent when they need a diaper change. It’s a win-win in my opinion.

I love dogs, and the bonus is with rescue dogs they come already potty trained! I have tons of maternal instincts but they tend to be directed toward dogs and adults in need of help. I work in a hospital, so I get to direct all those mothering instincts toward adults that need it. It doesn’t really bother me that I’m not with the mainstream when it comes to that. I know it’s just as hard for people who have always wanted kids to understand why I don’t. I have just never had the desire. I guess if you really want to you could say that I’m missing something important but I think that there’s a variety of things that make us good people. Being a great parent is one of them, but it’s not a requisite. I wish I didn’t feel that I had to say all this, but if people start to find and read this blog I have a feeling that it’s going to come up. Part of the reason I decided to start writing about this is that I couldn’t find a lot of people who shared my perspective. Like I say in other posts, I know I can’t be the only person in the world in this situation though. I don’t hate kids, I just don’t want my own.

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Welcome to my blog!

Autumn 2016 – Hi, I’m Stephanie, and I’m not your average evil stepmom. When I began this blog,¬†I needed an anonymous way to express my feelings about my relationship with my boyfriend’s children.

Now, several years later, I need a place to vent about what it’s like to “coparent” with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and probably Borderline Personality Disorder as well. Basically the most toxic, dysfunctional, selfish human being I have ever had the misfortune of coming into contact with. There are lots of great resources out there for people who are divorcing a narcissist¬†and/or have children with one, but 99.9% of those are women divorcing NPD men. In my case, the ex-wife of my¬†now¬†husband has NPD and they have two children together. A lot¬†has changed over the past few years, but what has stayed the same is that his ex-wife is a pathological liar who cares nothing for anyone but herself. I hope that this blog can help support other people who are trying to co-parent with a narcissist.

I hope that this will become a place where we can all talk frankly about our fears, our hopes, our victories, and our mistakes. Not just me but you too. Please comment and interact if any of this resonates with you! If you would like to learn more about me please visit the About page. If this is your first time here, that’s a good place to start. Thanks for reading! ‚̧