Narcissists are insidious

If you’ve read anything about narcissists and recovering from narcissistic abuse, you know that the best thing to do when you’re trying to get away from a narcissist is zero contact. The reason for this is that a narcissist is insidious.

narcissists are insidiousI’m a big fan of horror movies. Even if you’re not, you’ve probably heard of the movie Insidious, it’s had a lot of sequels. (I’ll try to keep this spoiler free!) I started thinking about how in Insidious, the little boy is haunted by an evil ghost. In photos, his mother noticed that the woman in a black veil kept getting closer and closer to him. It’s one of the creepiest parts of the movie. Little by little, the ghost is getting close enough to touch the little boy. So slowly and imperceptibly to the naked eye! You can only see the ghost in the photos.

Obviously the little boy’s mother was scared. Is there an evil ghost in a veil stalking her son?! Finally, in the very last photo, the scary old woman’s hand is nearly grabbing the boy’s shoulder. His mother stopped taking photos after that.

The word insidious means: “Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects” and “treacherous or crafty.” Nothing describes a narcissist more perfectly. When you start to have even the slightest bit of contact with the narcissist, it might seem harmless at first – in fact, like any cycle of abuse they are usually extra nice when they’re trying to trick you into letting your guard down. Some might even apologize for what you’ve told them they have done to you, although it’s just a trick. The narcissistic personality does nothing wrong, and they have no problem pacifying you. They likely don’t remember or don’t care what they’ve done to hurt you in the past, the point is to get what they want.

a narcissist tricks you into trusting again If you have found the strength to go no contact with the narcissist, the the ultimate prize in this game is YOU. Even if he or she threw you away, called you horrible names, devalued you, divorced you, told everyone you were a horrible person, it doesn’t matter. As soon as it is your choice to not speak to them, they simply have to be in your life again. They can move on – you cannot. This is why you have to avoid returning calls, text messages, block them all social media, and never let your guard down. If you only do it 99 times out of 100, just like the little boy in Insidious, the narcissist will grab you from behind, latch on, and mess with your head until you start to think you were wrong about all that emotional abuse that you used to be so sure that they subjected you too. Maybe you overreacted, maybe you’re being unfair, everyone makes mistakes right? They wouldn’t want you back in their life if they didn’t care!

InsidiousWRONG. Back away from the phone. A narcissist cares about three things: themselves, their reputation/the way they are perceived by others, and winning. As soon as they have control over you again, they’ll stop wanting you.

Unfortunately it’s a lot harder to go no contact with a parent than it is to go no contact with your abusive ex-spouse. And that brings us to where we are today. The evil woman in the veil (aka Cruella) has got her claws back in her son, Bruce. After over a year of little contact with her and zero one on one contact, just two weeks after his therapist thought he was doing well enough that he didn’t need to come any more, he agreed to have brunch with her.

It’s hard not to just go, WTF kid?! Are you doing too well you have to go and mess it up for yourself?

But I understand. I have a parent who is very self centered and never empathized with me as a kid and just like Charlie Brown, you always go to kick that damned football and they always pull it away at the last moment. Every single time, you are surprised. Even if you’ve done it hundreds of times before. We are hard-wired to trust our parents, I think it must be biological.

We can’t stop him from spending time with her. He starts college in a week, his mistakes are his to make. It just makes me so angry because just a couple months ago, she posted a photo on facebook from many years ago. In it, she had a giant bruise on her arm that she had gotten during fitness bootcamp. She wrote this long, completely false story about how Sebastian had “beat” her for the last time the day she got that. She said all these things that were completely untrue, even lying about what she and the kids had done that day. She lies about everything, even inconsequential things! Supposedly their neighbor had witnessed it but did nothing. Sebastian hadn’t even gone over to her house that night (this incident allegedly happened after they separated.) So we of course get sent it, by more than two people actually, and even Bruce was like “what the hell, that never happened!” It’s hard for me to understand how he can look past that. So a couple Saturdays ago, Bruce left the house and spent over EIGHT HOURS with his mother. Just his mother, not even his mother and his sister. He didn’t tell Sebastian much about what happened, just that “she kind of took responsibility for everything she had said and done.” It’s just a trick though. Sadly I know that, and Sebastian knows that, but Bruce can’t or won’t see it.

It’s hard for me to understand, even knowing we are programmed to trust our parents, that he can just let her off the hook for lying about Sebastian beating her, just a couple months ago! How can he just look past that? He lives with this father, he loves his father, he knows that his father never beat his mother, yet he has apparently forgiven her for posting on facebook that Sebastian physically abused her!

The saddest part about it, if you have been hit by a loved on or spouse, you know that you don’t proudly take photos with your bruises prominently displayed, grinning like you think you are the hottest person in the room! You hide them, you cover them up with makeup, scarfs, and sweaters even in the summer – you are ashamed. You are terrified that someone might see and figure it out. It’s just another example of how this vile, disgusting creature lies and portrays herself as a victim in order to get attention. All she cares about is people on facebook, her so-called “friends,” telling her how brave and strong she is, how proud they are that she got out. It’s despicable, given that she actually hit Sebastian many times and also disgraceful because there are so many people that die every day because of spousal abuse. But there’s nothing this woman will not say or do to get attention. There’s no lie she won’t tell. She will throw anyone under the bus if it means that people will praise her. It makes me sick that Bruce is opening himself up to this evil woman again and it makes me even sicker that there’s not a damn thing we can do about it.

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Inside the twisted mind of a narcissist


About a year and a half ago, after Bruce came to live with us and told his mom in writing that he didn’t want to talk to her because he was upset that she told him she had cancer when she did not, she wrote “The Letter.” He probably would’ve started talking to her again if she had just left it alone, but she instead decided to write a letter to “apologize” that minimized her emotional abuse of him, attempted to manipulate him and make him feel guilty, put some of the blame for her actions on him, completely changed past events, and finally told him she has hated him for most of his life. In my memory, it was absolutely the worst thing I have ever read. When he initially received it he did not read it, but forwarded it to Sebastian who showed it to me. We all advised him not to read it, his therapist read it and told him not to read it, but he couldn’t help himself.

My original intention with this post was to share parts of The Letter that illustrate how the narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) mind works. I wanted to show the parts that were manipulative, minimizing, blaming her teenage son for her bad behavior, etc. I thought it would be helpful for other people to see how different the mind of a narcissist works from those of people who don’t have personality disorders. As it turns out, even knowing The Letter was the worst thing I had ever read, a year and a half had actually dulled how horrific it is. Upon re-reading it, I realized that it is so horrible and gut-wrenching that even though this blog is anonymous, I cannot publicly share the despicable things his mother said to him. I will instead share the different points of the letter, and then share in her own words, her description of herself.

The Letter

  • It begins by her saying she loves him and that she is sorry that he hates her. She says she understands that it’s because of things she did and she deserves it but that she is heartbroken without him and misses him and doesn’t understand his need to torture her with silence. (Playing the victim, guilt, manipulation, projection.)

 

  • She then shares some happy memories from when he was a baby. She talks about how she was devoted to him and his father was absent (lie, manipulation) but once he was a toddler he started to like his father and because she hated Sebastian so much, she took Bruce’s love for him as him choosing Sebastian over her. (distorted thinking, selfishness) She became resentful of Bruce and started to hate him, even though she wouldn’t realize until years later that it was hatred and resentment that she was feeling.

 

  • Then she tells him that when she got pregnant with his sister, she chose Harley over him and continued to favor her for the next 8 years. She believed Bruce did not love, want, or need her. (distorted thinking, selfishness) When he was 12 and she realized her marriage to Sebastian was over, she decided to try to win back her son’s love by buying him things and spending lots of money on him, and ignoring his sister. (not even sure what this is, distorted views of love and parenting?)

 

  • When Sebastian completely abandoned the three of them and left them to fend for themselves financially (complete and total lie) and Bruce will remember it because he “lived it” she for some reason decided that moving nearly 1000 miles away to be on their own instead of moving to yet a different state to live with her best friend was best for Bruce somehow so she did it for him. (lie, she moved there because she had a male friend there that she knew she could exploit for help, money, and attention, and she did.) Then, Bruce decided to abandon her in this place she didn’t want to be in the first place. (lies, manipulation, guilt.) Also noteworthy that Cruella keeps telling Harley they are moving back to this place she supposedly didn’t want to live.

 

  • Then, oddly, she begins to talk about me. She characterizes Sebastian beginning to date as: “brutal and violent and abusive. I was sick for weeks. Throwing up, unbearable headaches, insomnia, exhaustion I was a mess.” (really distorted thinking, guilt, manipulation) By then Bruce had started acting like his father (cold, distant, dismissive) and decided to live with him and Cruella was so overcome with it all that she had to quit her job and then move to another state to live with her best friend. (irrational blame, guilt, manipulation) What’s oddest about this is that her story for why she moved is constantly changing. She has said on her now-deleted blog that it was “to begin cancer treatments,” she told Sebastian it was “to get help for her mental illness,” now she’s telling Bruce that it was because of him. Also noteworthy that she was fired from her job because she couldn’t get along with her boss and was irresponsible, she didn’t quit. She says: “I gave you everything you wanted, at great personal cost and you still treated me like shit.” She also notes that her anger and hatred toward her son has continued to grow and grow.

 

  • She then tells him that she lied to him about having cancer due to finding out he had read her blog when she “had not slept in almost 3 days, alertness was no longer sustainable with caffeine and I honestly remember almost nothing. All of that anger came out. I was scared, I was angry, I felt threatened, I felt violated, I was in complete panic.” She then goes on to say that because she came from an abusive family and had been in an abusive marriage, lying is what came naturally to her so that is what she did. It’s funny that she says she remembers “almost nothing” yet can give so much detail about how she felt. She’s inadvertently being honest – lying is what she does, lying is who she is. (lies, minimizing, excuses, manipulation.)

 

Now, because I feel that it is not a violation of Bruce to share this, here is Cruella describing herself in her own words (probably the most honest she has ever been about or with herself):

I have a god awful vindictive streak that is my absolute worse personality trait. I despise nothing about myself the way I utterly despise this trait. When I am alert and have all my faculties and I feel threatened, I spend every ounce of grit I have keeping that viciousness silent. You have seen me get angry and silent before, well when that happens all my energy is focused on not saying the most hurtful thing I can find about a person. When I get so angry I get cold all of a sudden I can see exactly how, to hurt and destroy the individual in front of me. I am not proud of this trait and it has earned me a well-deserved reputation as a vicious bitch in the past.

I never use it, not even with your father. (lie) I made myself a promise years ago not to do it again, and I have kept that promise. But when my faculties are impaired the wounded attack animal shows up without restraint. My faculties were down that night and the horrible part is I am quite positive I just wanted to strike back. I am sorry more than you know, although I don’t know how to apologize for that one. None of what I told you justifies my betrayal. I only wanted to tell you exactly how I failed you. That night when your father told me I couldn’t see you, I lost it. All the rage and anger I have been harboring for years came out. It was truly ugly, I was broken, devastated. I was a screaming, crying lump on the floor. I have never cried like that in my life. I had lost you forever and my heart finished breaking. By the time your email came I was numb. I tried to answer your questions but I was barely able to read them, I had to get help to answer them. At the heart of it is the fact that all the people who were supposed to love me never did, being deemed unlovable can carry some huge rage. So now, I also have to fill the hole it left and that is a really big hole. I have spent a lot of time feeling empty and my mind wanders in bizarre places without my old friend anger.

This is probably the most insight I have ever read from a person with narcissistic personality disorder and the most honesty that one will ever express about themselves and their disease/disorder. I decided to call this post “inside the twisted mind of a narcissist” because these paragraphs are a window into the mind of a very sick person, desperately in need of help. It’s sad that during lucid moments she realizes how sick she is and doesn’t seek help. I have read that the feeling of a hole inside and feeling unlovable are traits of Borderline Personality Disorder which is why I also think she might have BPD. It is possible to have BPD and NPD. Where she mentions about being able to figure out what to say or do to “destroy the individual in front of me” is something that several personality disorders have, the ability to find what makes a person tick and their fears and exploit them is what makes people with NPD such good manipulators. They know the buttons to press. This is also true of sociopaths. I don’t think she’s a sociopath, because I think she does love her kids, as much as she is able to, in her own sick twisted way. She just doesn’t have the ability to empathize or care beyond how it affects her and her feelings.

An anonymous blog filled with lies…

In a bit of irony, Sebastian’s ex has apparently started an “anonymous” blog. I put anonymous in quotes because she decided to change her name but follow her son Bruce’s blog. The reason it became obvious that it’s her (besides the fact that the basics of the first post match up perfectly although they’re exaggerated and highly dramatized…) is that when Bruce noticed he had a new follower, visited her blog, and liked her post, she blocked him. Even though she had been following him first! The reason I find this extremely ironic is that I would never have started this blog anonymously if she didn’t read my blog. I felt that I couldn’t talk about Sebastian and the kids there and share my heart and fears openly because I knew she would use anything she could to hurt me, Sebastian, and the kids.

the-most-dangerous-liars-are-those-who-think-they-are-telling-the-truth-quote-1The really sad thing is that this “anonymous” blog is filled with exaggerations and lies. The biggest one being that she has “inoperable stage three breast cancer.” This is a complete and total lie, she does not have breast cancer, let alone inoperable stage three breast cancer. She claims on the blog that she’s moving “herself and her daughter from the city they love to another state to live with a friend so she has support while fighting cancer” when the truth is that she was fired from her job because she’s a really awful person and her boss and coworkers didn’t like her because she’s a bitch to everyone around her. She wasn’t able to find a job, not even a much lower paying clerical job; so she’s moving to another state because basically no one likes her. She’s supposedly going to be getting help for her mental health problems but I doubt that, especially given this new blog filled with dramatic claims that are completely untrue. We are going to be watching the blog for a GoFundMe link because I suspect she’s going to start trying to get money from people for her “cancer treatments.”

She also claims to be in an “expensive and difficult custody battle” over Bruce, when the truth is that she told him she didn’t want him to come back home in one of her rages, and he used that excuse to move back home with Sebastian because he just can’t take the emotional and psychological abuse anymore. It’s really not surprising that her blog is filled with really fantastical lies. She’s been making up new and increasingly crazy stories about things Sebastian “did to her” when they were married. The latest is that he “threw a refrigerator at her.” She also claimed Bruce saw this happen and Bruce has absolutely no memory of that or of anything that would have to accompany such an attack such as doctor’s visits, or cleaning up the mess that something like that would cause. She mentioned on the blog that Sebastian “liked to use his fists” so she’s obviously working up to some sort of battered ex-wife lie which is sad because there is so much domestic violence in this country, and so many people who don’t get help or can’t get help, who are legitimately scared for their lives, to lie about it is to slap actual domestic violence survivors in the face. She’s always wanted attention, but I can’t imagine what she thinks this blog will accomplish. Probably she will never even update it again past the first post. She’s not going to get a lot of instant attention unless she shares it with family and friends. It takes work to get traffic to your blog.

I think what frustrates me the most about it is that she continues to paint herself as some sort of a victim, like Sebastian is still “torturing” her after she “escaped” their “horribly abusive” marriage. When the truth is, a year after their divorce, he’s still paying on all her credit card bills that he for some reason agreed to take responsibility for when they divorced. She purposely ran up charges on the Victoria Secret credit card that was in his name after they separated, and then stuck him with the nearly $2,000 bill. Even though he’s taken complete responsibility for Bruce, he’s still paying child support for Harley. He’s not asking his ex-wife for a cent, and he’s the one who has paid the lawyer to draw up the new papers (they used the same lawyer for their divorce.) I’m honestly sometimes surprised he’s not paying to move her to the other state. He basically gives her so much money he often eats ramen, as a grown, professional, 41 year old man. I hate her so much that I wish I could slap her in the face, and I have never been a violent person. She makes me sick, that people like her exist in the world. I don’t see that she gives anything positive to the world or the people around her, she’s just a waste. It’s sad, because I know her childhood must have been really f****** up to make her this sick and mentally ill, but how many people should one person be allowed to hurt and use? It just makes me angry that anyone would believe the lies that she tells, when Sebastian has gone out of his way to be nice and helpful and BEYOND fair to her the entire time they’ve separated and divorced.

The Facebook Betrayal

Since December 2014 – the first and last time Picture-1that I had an interaction with Sebastian’s ex-wife – I have had her blocked on Facebook. That holiday visit was the most epic meltdown I’ve ever been adjacent to (See my post “I Hate My Boyfriend’s Ex-Wife” for more on that) which convinced me that there was zero reason to ever interact with her. Sebastian had blocked her soon after we began dating, when he had posted a funny video and the comment that he laughed so hard he was “afraid I would wake up my girlfriend sleeping in the bedroom.” When the ex saw that, she called him and yelled at him for about 45 minutes.

Before this summer break began, in a rare moment of acting like a normal, sane person, she asked if Sebastian would unblock her so that she could see photos he took of the kids during break. It seemed like a reasonable request, so he did. I told him at that time that I would continue to block her, so he needed to make sure to save any photos I took and posted on my page, and post them again on his page so she could see them. Everything seemed to be going fine…

Until we went to a restaurant to celebrate Sebastian’s 41st birthday. His mother, the kids, and I all went to dinner and we took a couple photos that weren’t very good. His ex-wife hates me and hates his mother as well. She had previously said that she didn’t want to see any photos with me in them. During a conversation with Sebastian, she asked him if he planned to post the photos from the restaurant because she hadn’t seen them yet. At the time, it did immediately sink in to anyone that she knew what restaurant we had been to, the kids could have mentioned it to her after all. Then, a day or so later, she told Sebastian’s 15 year old son (I guess I should give the kids pseudonyms too, we will call him Bruce) Bruce not to change his facebook password. This was random and out of nowhere, it’s almost like she was setting this up because why would she say that to him?! He realized what was happening and he felt guilty about it even though he hadn’t done anything wrong. He went to his dad and told him that he was pretty sure his mom was using his facebook account to look at my page. Bruce was conflicted about what to do. Sebastian told me what was going on and I immediately said that I would just go ahead and block Bruce on facebook too. He rarely uses it for much of anything, since kids aren’t really into facebook, and if I blocked him it would save him the conflict with his mom that would ensue if he changed his password. Or so I thought!

Less than 24 hours later, the meltdown commenced. Bruce’s cellphone rang and it was his mom. There was nothing alarming about this as she calls the children at least once per day. Unfortunately it was the kind of call that Sebastian has gotten used to receiving – she was irrationally angry and screaming, wanting to lash out and hurt the people that upset her. In this case, it was her own son. She began yelling at him, telling him that he had betrayed her. She said that he had chosen me over her, and he was a hateful, selfish child who didn’t deserve her love. She said that she hoped he would be happy with his “new family” ie Sebastian and myself because she didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. She told him he was no  longer invited to spend the last two weeks of the summer with her parents, his grandparents, that she was not going to call and talk to him anymore, and that he was not even going to be able to visit her on holidays. (Oh, have I mentioned, Bruce is moving here to live with Sebastian? That’s a whole separate long post. It’s been a crazy summer!)

As you can see, that was a complete overreaction as well as being extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. These are the types of tirades that have come to be normal interactions with Sebastian but neither of the kids have ever had a full blown meltdown directed at them to my knowledge. This all happened because she logged in to Bruce’s facebook to spy on my page and couldn’t find me anymore. She realized that he must have told me and even though I had been trying to spare him the abuse by blocking him so he wouldn’t have to change his password, he was attacked anyway. This time, Sebastian had enough. He has never stood up for himself with her the way that I think that he should, taking much more verbal abuse than a human being ever should, but he stood up for his son. Sebastian told her that she is a sick individual. He said he has never told her this before but that she needed to know that she is very mentally ill and that she needs to seek help. He told her he would no longer allow her to talk to their children like that and to emotionally abuse them. He told her that kind of behavior was abuse and that if she doesn’t get help and get better that he will have to take custody of their daughter away from her. Eventually her anger faded and she broke down crying. People say: “hurt people hurt other people.” That may be true but there’s only a tiny part of me that can feel bad for her, because she’s 40 years old and a parent. No matter how bad her childhood and her marriage and her life have been, it doesn’t give her the right to abuse her children.

In the end, Bruce went ahead and changed his password on Facebook, hell he had already been yelled at! I felt very violated up until the point that she attacked Bruce, and then I realized it’s not really about me. Her sneaking around to look at my facebook page, looking at all my photos, secretly reading my posts, none of that is about me. That’s all about her low self-esteem, her emotional problems, and her mental illness. She doesn’t really care that Sebastian is with me, she hates that Sebastian is happy because she wants him to be as miserable as she is. (Even though she has a boyfriend too – not even sure how sick that poor dude must be to want to date her! O_o ) I feel very sorry for her. I’ve never wanted kids, but her kids are pretty cool. How sad it must be to not appreciate these cool little people that you gave birth to, instead seeing them only as pawns in a giant game of chess with her ex-husband. All she wants to do is win, the kids are collateral damage. This whole thing has made it crystal clear and now even Sebastian can’t deny that she does not care about anyone but herself. Whether she’s capable of caring we will probably never know, but it’s really clear that she doesn’t care about the feelings and mental health of her kids, all she cares about is punishing someone when she’s hurt. That’s really really effing sad.

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I hate my boyfriend’s ex-wife

I know what you’re thinking: “This chick never wanted kids and she hates her boyfriend’s ex-wife. What an awful person. I’m not going to read this crap!” Give me a chance though, I have some very good reasons. I’ve also tried really really hard not to hate her but she actively makes it difficult. Some background:

My boyfriend’s former marriage
My boyfriend had been separated for over a year at the time that we met. The marriage had been over for much longer than that, for both of them. They had actually stayed together for a while after Sebastian’s then-wife had told him that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. She told him this on their 20th anniversary, they had married really young. Their divorce was supposed to be finalized in the spring but because of some legal hang-ups (the judge didn’t like the custody agreement) it wasn’t officially over until just a couple weeks before our first date that September. His ex-wife has tried to imply that I was the reason that they split up, because we started dating so close to their divorce being finalized. This ignores several facts including: a.) she told him she didn’t want to be married to him anymore b.) they had lived separately for over a year and c.) the divorce was finalized over six months later than it was supposed to be.

The ex is not someone you can reason with. What she says is based on her mood. Her mood is often bad.

The abuse Continue reading