It took a day to hit me…

I have come to love PsychCentral, as you may see from some of my posts. I was reading the latest post on “Knotted the mother and daughter relationship” by Peg Streep. The post is 4 questions every child of an unloving mother asks. It is definitely worth a read, I love that whole blog! The 4 questions are: Why doesn’t my mother love me? Will my mother ever love me? What can I do to make my mother love me? and Will anyone ever love me?
lonely-unloved-ignored That’s when it hit me. A line from The Letter: “At the heart of it is the fact that all the people who were supposed to love me never did, being deemed unlovable can carry some huge rage.”

The irony is, I’m sure, lost on Cruella, that she is trying to ask for understanding, she was angry and abusive because she was never loved, in a letter where she tells her son she has hated him and resents him.

  Holy crap. “The people who were supposed to love me never did.” Does it make it ok that she says she loved him until he grew up enough to have a personality? Do those two or so years matter enough that the next 15 shouldn’t? That’s the self-focus and self centeredness of the narcissist. She excuses not loving her son by saying she was never loved. Isn’t it a shame she didn’t break that pattern? She says throughout The Letter that she loves him, but she can’t love him and hate and resent him all at the same time. Parents are supposed to protect their children. What does a child do when the person they need protecting from the most is a parent..? 😦

Inside the twisted mind of a narcissist


About a year and a half ago, after Bruce came to live with us and told his mom in writing that he didn’t want to talk to her because he was upset that she told him she had cancer when she did not, she wrote “The Letter.” He probably would’ve started talking to her again if she had just left it alone, but she instead decided to write a letter to “apologize” that minimized her emotional abuse of him, attempted to manipulate him and make him feel guilty, put some of the blame for her actions on him, completely changed past events, and finally told him she has hated him for most of his life. In my memory, it was absolutely the worst thing I have ever read. When he initially received it he did not read it, but forwarded it to Sebastian who showed it to me. We all advised him not to read it, his therapist read it and told him not to read it, but he couldn’t help himself.

My original intention with this post was to share parts of The Letter that illustrate how the narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) mind works. I wanted to show the parts that were manipulative, minimizing, blaming her teenage son for her bad behavior, etc. I thought it would be helpful for other people to see how different the mind of a narcissist works from those of people who don’t have personality disorders. As it turns out, even knowing The Letter was the worst thing I had ever read, a year and a half had actually dulled how horrific it is. Upon re-reading it, I realized that it is so horrible and gut-wrenching that even though this blog is anonymous, I cannot publicly share the despicable things his mother said to him. I will instead share the different points of the letter, and then share in her own words, her description of herself.

The Letter

  • It begins by her saying she loves him and that she is sorry that he hates her. She says she understands that it’s because of things she did and she deserves it but that she is heartbroken without him and misses him and doesn’t understand his need to torture her with silence. (Playing the victim, guilt, manipulation, projection.)

 

  • She then shares some happy memories from when he was a baby. She talks about how she was devoted to him and his father was absent (lie, manipulation) but once he was a toddler he started to like his father and because she hated Sebastian so much, she took Bruce’s love for him as him choosing Sebastian over her. (distorted thinking, selfishness) She became resentful of Bruce and started to hate him, even though she wouldn’t realize until years later that it was hatred and resentment that she was feeling.

 

  • Then she tells him that when she got pregnant with his sister, she chose Harley over him and continued to favor her for the next 8 years. She believed Bruce did not love, want, or need her. (distorted thinking, selfishness) When he was 12 and she realized her marriage to Sebastian was over, she decided to try to win back her son’s love by buying him things and spending lots of money on him, and ignoring his sister. (not even sure what this is, distorted views of love and parenting?)

 

  • When Sebastian completely abandoned the three of them and left them to fend for themselves financially (complete and total lie) and Bruce will remember it because he “lived it” she for some reason decided that moving nearly 1000 miles away to be on their own instead of moving to yet a different state to live with her best friend was best for Bruce somehow so she did it for him. (lie, she moved there because she had a male friend there that she knew she could exploit for help, money, and attention, and she did.) Then, Bruce decided to abandon her in this place she didn’t want to be in the first place. (lies, manipulation, guilt.) Also noteworthy that Cruella keeps telling Harley they are moving back to this place she supposedly didn’t want to live.

 

  • Then, oddly, she begins to talk about me. She characterizes Sebastian beginning to date as: “brutal and violent and abusive. I was sick for weeks. Throwing up, unbearable headaches, insomnia, exhaustion I was a mess.” (really distorted thinking, guilt, manipulation) By then Bruce had started acting like his father (cold, distant, dismissive) and decided to live with him and Cruella was so overcome with it all that she had to quit her job and then move to another state to live with her best friend. (irrational blame, guilt, manipulation) What’s oddest about this is that her story for why she moved is constantly changing. She has said on her now-deleted blog that it was “to begin cancer treatments,” she told Sebastian it was “to get help for her mental illness,” now she’s telling Bruce that it was because of him. Also noteworthy that she was fired from her job because she couldn’t get along with her boss and was irresponsible, she didn’t quit. She says: “I gave you everything you wanted, at great personal cost and you still treated me like shit.” She also notes that her anger and hatred toward her son has continued to grow and grow.

 

  • She then tells him that she lied to him about having cancer due to finding out he had read her blog when she “had not slept in almost 3 days, alertness was no longer sustainable with caffeine and I honestly remember almost nothing. All of that anger came out. I was scared, I was angry, I felt threatened, I felt violated, I was in complete panic.” She then goes on to say that because she came from an abusive family and had been in an abusive marriage, lying is what came naturally to her so that is what she did. It’s funny that she says she remembers “almost nothing” yet can give so much detail about how she felt. She’s inadvertently being honest – lying is what she does, lying is who she is. (lies, minimizing, excuses, manipulation.)

 

Now, because I feel that it is not a violation of Bruce to share this, here is Cruella describing herself in her own words (probably the most honest she has ever been about or with herself):

I have a god awful vindictive streak that is my absolute worse personality trait. I despise nothing about myself the way I utterly despise this trait. When I am alert and have all my faculties and I feel threatened, I spend every ounce of grit I have keeping that viciousness silent. You have seen me get angry and silent before, well when that happens all my energy is focused on not saying the most hurtful thing I can find about a person. When I get so angry I get cold all of a sudden I can see exactly how, to hurt and destroy the individual in front of me. I am not proud of this trait and it has earned me a well-deserved reputation as a vicious bitch in the past.

I never use it, not even with your father. (lie) I made myself a promise years ago not to do it again, and I have kept that promise. But when my faculties are impaired the wounded attack animal shows up without restraint. My faculties were down that night and the horrible part is I am quite positive I just wanted to strike back. I am sorry more than you know, although I don’t know how to apologize for that one. None of what I told you justifies my betrayal. I only wanted to tell you exactly how I failed you. That night when your father told me I couldn’t see you, I lost it. All the rage and anger I have been harboring for years came out. It was truly ugly, I was broken, devastated. I was a screaming, crying lump on the floor. I have never cried like that in my life. I had lost you forever and my heart finished breaking. By the time your email came I was numb. I tried to answer your questions but I was barely able to read them, I had to get help to answer them. At the heart of it is the fact that all the people who were supposed to love me never did, being deemed unlovable can carry some huge rage. So now, I also have to fill the hole it left and that is a really big hole. I have spent a lot of time feeling empty and my mind wanders in bizarre places without my old friend anger.

This is probably the most insight I have ever read from a person with narcissistic personality disorder and the most honesty that one will ever express about themselves and their disease/disorder. I decided to call this post “inside the twisted mind of a narcissist” because these paragraphs are a window into the mind of a very sick person, desperately in need of help. It’s sad that during lucid moments she realizes how sick she is and doesn’t seek help. I have read that the feeling of a hole inside and feeling unlovable are traits of Borderline Personality Disorder which is why I also think she might have BPD. It is possible to have BPD and NPD. Where she mentions about being able to figure out what to say or do to “destroy the individual in front of me” is something that several personality disorders have, the ability to find what makes a person tick and their fears and exploit them is what makes people with NPD such good manipulators. They know the buttons to press. This is also true of sociopaths. I don’t think she’s a sociopath, because I think she does love her kids, as much as she is able to, in her own sick twisted way. She just doesn’t have the ability to empathize or care beyond how it affects her and her feelings.

This is the only way I can fight back

I asked myself earlier “why did you revive this blog?” I started it because I needed a place to vent, and I hoped maybe I could get some feedback from others on how tough it is to be a step-parent. Now, I have no outlet for the things I know, about her and about what it is like to have to deal with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I can’t warn people about her. I can’t save Harley from her. I can’t tell the people she spreads lies about Sebastian to that she is lying. I can’t tell people that I’m not being abused like she says I have to be since he is abusive. She goes out of her way to make sure we hear about the things she posts on Facebook, but she can’t be challenged there. I can’t call her a liar in front of all those people, some of whom live in my city, some of whom are people I know! There’s no recourse. This blog, anonymously, is the only way I can fight back.

projectionProjection is a narcissist’s favorite delusion, she takes whatever horrible thing she has done and says that you did it. She takes whatever negative character traits she has, and says that you have them. I will be writing a post about projection, but you can read more about it now on the wonderful blog “Narcissism Meets Normalcy” by Lenora Thompson, who writes about her own experience as a child being raised by narcissists. One way that Cruella projects is to say that Sebastian and I “spy” on her. She will write little snide comments on Facebook posts for us, telling us something or telling our “spy” to tell us something. The funny part is, we don’t cyber-stalk her like she does to me (projecting!) she has actually never unfriended several of Sebastian’s family members on Facebook. They tell us things, because of the vileness she posts there. Lies like Sebastian has never paid child support! Just completely blatant lies! 1000% untruths! We have canceled checks to prove it! But he has learned to let it go, I guess after two decades living with a narcissist you learn how to let things go, but I don’t know how yet. I get angry on his behalf! I want to scan those checks and post them to her Facebook wall angrily saying “yes! here’s the nearly $700 monthly checks he paid you for the FULL CHILDSUPPORT even after Bruce lived here. Where did that money go Cruella? To your shopping fund, most likely. You certainly didn’t give any of it to Bruce. You certainly didn’t care about if Bruce had everything he needed while you continued for four months to get child support for two kids when only one lived with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

See? Angry. I feel righteously angry at her blatant lies. Why does she still have to attempt abuse him? I b85ba79b88f49a8d19dce0bd65ce949fguess because she is sick. I told him once that even if he had ended up never getting sober and homeless on the street, penniless, even then she would not be satisfied. She probably wouldn’t even be satisfied if he were dead. The joke is on her though because we are happy and she is still miserable, sad, and alone, living back with her parents in a state she swore up and down she would never come back to – and it’s not because of Sebastian, it’s not because of her parents, it’s not because people are out to get her, it’s because she’s a horrible, awful person and anyone who sees the real her is sickened by it and wants to get as far away from her as possible. I only wish that Harley was able to. That’s the only place our happiness falters, is in our worry for her. Even Sebastian can’t find a way to have peace and not worry about his child.

I may not be able to tell all her facebook friends what a lying, horrible, abusive person and parent she is, but at least I can say it here. This is how I fight back. Until the day I can finally say, you will never abuse any of us again. Until it is finally safe to show my face and tell the world who she is, because truthfully the abuse is HER shame, not the shame of those she abuses. No one deserves to live with narcissistic abuse.

Update, fall 2016

Much has happened since my last post, which was supposed to be published in July 2015. I want to give as much info as possible before I start getting into details because a LOT has changed!

  • Bruce has not seen or talked to Cruella in almost a year, since she sent him a letter that was supposed to be an apology but spent about eight pages saying in a lot of different ways that she “has hated him since the time he was two years old because he loved his father and she hated his father so much that she couldn’t love Bruce if he loved Sebastian.” I’ve read and heard about some pretty awful stuff but to tell your child you hate them and have pretty much all their life is a new low. It’s right down there with lying and telling your child you have cancer when you don’t I guess.
  • Since we are now married, Sebastian, Bruce and I all live together in a new house. In spite of the drama, most of the control Cruella has over us only comes in the form of worrying about Bruce or when I get angry because of how she is hurting Bruce and/or Sebastian.
  • We have spent over $12,000 in legal fees and lawyer bills to do absolutely nothing and nothing has changed really. Sebastian has full physical custody of Bruce and Cruella has full physical custody of Harley, and they still both have joint legal custody.
  • Cruella moved for the THIRD time in three years, putting Harley in yet another school/city/state. Only this time, Cruella decided to pretend she had not moved and told Harley to lie to Sebastian. A lot of time, heartache, and expense went into finding where they are now, which turns out to be 2 hours away. She had to move back to her hometown and in with her parents.
  • Cruella has made it a point to let me know she is still cyber-stalking me, classic narcissistic abuse, she “likes” things I post on Pinterest so I can see that she is looking at my stuff. It makes me very happy I made this blog anonymous. However, her being only 2 hours away worries me that the stalking might escalate to physical, in-person stalking. She also told Harley to mention a trip we recently took that I documented on Instagram, so that we know she also monitors my instagram. I refuse to be driven off social media however, so I’ve started posting things on a delay in case she tries to find us based on those posts. Sort of like celebrities have to do!
  • Cruella hacked into Sebastian’s email and then blamed it on Harley. Luckily no damage was done.
  • Harley has been lying to Sebastian pretty much non-stop. It’s hard to tell what her mother is telling her to say or do and what she comes up with on her own. She is still a kid, but I’m sure that seeing the narcissistic behavior is teaching Harley that it’s “normal” to act the way her mother acts. She has told Bruce she thinks it is “stupid” that he doesn’t want to see their mom. She told her dad that he didn’t try hard enough to find her address because when they moved and refused to say where they were, he could have just gotten an app that you put in someone’s name and it gives you their address. So it was his fault he couldn’t find her, not her mom’s fault for refusing to say where they were or her fault for lying and saying they hadn’t moved. Typical narcissistic behavior which is really scary coming from a kid.

I know it breaks Sebastian’s heart to know that his daughter might grow up to be a narcissist just like her mom, because she doesn’t know any other way to be. As you can imagine, Cruella’s family is pretty sick too, so Harley isn’t getting any other positive behavior to mirror even though they’re living with other people. I’ll be talking about some of this stuff in more detail, I just wanted to give an update since so much time had passed.

Faking Cancer

Faking cancer 

I meant to post this almost two years ago :/  Somehow it was marked “private” and never published!

 The last few months have been hectic at best! We (Sebastian, Bruce, and myself) had all been waiting for the court date as a stress relief. I think in everyone’s minds, once the papers were squared away we could just get along with life as it is now and not have to think so much about Cruella (evil ex-wife). Life has been very busy. With Bruce playing in the high school band, anywhere from two to four nights a week have been band related activities that he needs to be driven to and picked up from. I’m sure for people that have kids, this constant running around is normal, but I am certainly not used to it. It was difficult adjusting to seeing Sebastian one or two nights a week as opposed to four or five. He always wants to drive out of his way to see me, even for just ten minutes, but usually I won’t let him if it doesn’t make any sense. 10 minutes is really not enough time for him to go out of his way, in my opinion. I love Bruce and I want him to be happy here, but having a kid is tough when you don’t live together!

The other problem is that Bruce has been so hurt by his mother, Cruella. I mentioned in my last couple posts, he had found the “anonymous” blog that she was keeping and was very upset at the idea that she might have cancer. Sebastian and I never really thought she had cancer, given her history of making up stories and constant lying, but as her child, Bruce loves her so it really bothered him not knowing if she was lying or not. He is angry at her, and rightfully so, for her selfish, narcissistic, abusive behavior but he felt he could not be angry with her if she was dying of cancer. We talked to him and ultimately decided the healthiest thing to do would be for none of us to read her blog. Sebastian printed out a copy for his lawyer and we all stopped looking at the blog, which was 95% lies anyway. All the sex stuff might have been real but Sebastian and I do not care about her sexual exploits and her 15 year old son REALLY did not need to be reading about it!!!!

As the court date got closer, we began getting more tense wondering if she was going to show up. When she was served papers from Sebastian’s lawyer, she became irate that he was not going to continue paying her the same amount of child support he always had, even though he now had one of the children! I am sure that was her shopping fund, she is very bad with money and he is still paying off the $8000 worth of debt she ran up on credit card in his name and stuck him with during the divorce! Sebastian had only asked that the judge reassess and make a decision, he did not ask to pay a specific amount or stop paying, just that the judge should decide. In the three months leading up to the court date he continued paying her $600+ each month even though he’d had to move and incurred the expense from moving Bruce 1,000 miles from up north back down here and then moving again into a two bedroom apartment so that Bruce could have a room. Moving twice is definitely not cheap, not to mention that he was taking Bruce to the doctor and dentist, all stuff that Cruella did not do in the year he was with her. He did not have his ADHD medicine for that entire year because she was too selfish and lazy to take him to the doctor, and he also got SIX cavities that year. Sebastian had paid for both the kids to go to the dentist shortly before leaving, and even though it was in the divorce papers that Sebastian would pay ALL the children’s medical expenses if she would submit receipts, she did not take them to the doctor ever.

She called Sebastian’s lawyer and was extremely “unstable” in his words. Apparently she thought that she could get out of paying for her own lawyer by telling Sebastian’s lawyer to put what she wanted in the papers. To which the lawyer basically said, get your own lawyer! We did not know if she would even bother to come here, she wrecked her car and still lives 12 hours away even though she moved to another state, moving Harley twice in two years. Two to three days before the court date we found out from Sebastian’s lawyer that Cruella would be coming, she had left him another “disturbing” voicemail. The court date ended up going pretty well, they agreed to most everything and Sebastian is still paying child support for Harley although it is much lower given it’s not for two kids. Cruella told Sebastian that she has “aggressive stage four breast cancer” that had traveled to her lymph nodes and spread significantly in a 3 month time period, yet somehow the doctors said she had an “80% chance of survival.” That did not sound plausible, and as I researched it I saw that it was even less plausible than I realized. So Sebastian’s lawyer said that he would put a discovery request in for her medical records and that in his legal opinion if she was lying about the cancer, Sebastian should try to get custody of Harley.

The discovery request went out and Sebastian’s lawyer was not playing around! He requested Cruella’s medical records, the name and contact of her encologist, a report on her prognosis, and all sorts of things to prove the cancer was real. When Cruella got the discovery request she melted down. She called Sebastian and he said that he couldn’t explain it but he was afraid she was going to hurt herself. She admitted that she does not now nor has she ever had breast cancer. She made it all up. She claims she didn’t want the kids to know and then when she found out Bruce knew she didn’t want him to know that she is “crazy” (her word!) so she decided to pretend like she was getting treatment and that she would “get better.” She begged Sebastian not to try to get custody of Harley but it’s like, OMG, why would you FAKE CANCER to begin with? How SICK does someone have to be? It’s so f***ed up.

Delusional disorder – I figured out what’s wrong with her! 

Fed up after the last round of insane attacks directed at Sebastian and myself (most done via the “anonymous” blog but several done via phone calls with Sebastian and Bruce as well) I decided that I absolutely had to figure out what the f*** Sebastian’s ex-wife has. Have I given her a pseudonym yet? I think I’ll just call her “Cruella”. I know a little bit about psychology but I could not for the life of me fit this woman into a diagnosis. She met some of the requirements for something like Schizophrenia but as far as I know she’s never had hallucinations. She could very well have a personality disorder but those don’t usually cause a complete disconnect with reality, according to what I’ve read. Her mother was diagnosed with “Multiple Personality Disorder” when Cruella was a child, even though doctors now widely believe that people don’t actually have different personalities that are unaware of the actions of the other like you’ve seen in the movies. Honestly, Cruella sometimes seems like she has multiple personalities. 

  

Finally, absolutely stumped, I googled “How to deal with someone who is not in touch with reality” and discovered “Delusional Disorder.”  I had never heard of it before but it matches up perfectly with her being convinced people said and did things they never said or did and how she rewrites history as she sees fit (sometimes Sebastian “abandoned” her – her term – and other times she left him because he was abusive. It can’t be both ways!!!!) Literally every time I have had contact with the woman she thinks I have said something to her that I did not say. Last time it was completely innocuous, she thought I said “I have to go” before exiting Sebastian’s apartment but actually I just left. All I said to her that day was “hi”, “no problem” and “drive safely.” It’s not a big deal that she thinks that I said that, it’s just an illustration that the woman is batshit crazy. She honestly believes things happened that have NEVER happened, that’s just one tiny example. Here’s what PsychCentral says about Delusional Disorder [Including relevant parts, for the full description please visit PsychCentral]:

Delusional disorder is characterized by the presence of either bizarre or non-bizarre delusions which have persisted for at least one month. Non-bizarre delusions typically are beliefs of something occurring in a person’s life which is not out of the realm of possibility. For example, the person may believe their significant other is cheating on them, that someone close to them is about to die, a friend is really a government agent, etc. All of these situations could be true or possible, but the person suffering from this disorder knows them not to be (e.g., through fact-checking, third-person confirmation, etc.). Delusions are deemed bizarre if they are clearly implausible, not understandable, and not derived from ordinary life experiences (e.g., an individual’s belief that a stranger has removed his or her internal organs and replaced them with someone else’s organs without leaving any wounds or scars) 

People who have this disorder generally don’t experience a marked impairment in their daily functioning in a social, occupational or other important setting. Outward behavior is not noticeably bizarre or objectively characterized as out-of-the-ordinary...

Specific Diagnostic Criteria

1. Delusions lasting for at least 1 month’s duration.
2. Criterion A for Schizophrenia has never been met. (2 or more of the following: delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech/incoherence,  grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior, affective flattening) 
3. Apart from the impact of the delusion(s) or its ramifications, functioning is not markedly impaired and behavior is not obviously odd or bizarre.
4. If mood episodes have occurred concurrently with delusions, their total duration has been brief relative to the duration of the delusional periods.
5. The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition.
Specify type (the following types are assigned based on the predominant delusional theme):
• Persecutory Type: delusions that the person (or someone to whom the person is close) is being malevolently treated in some way
• Somatic Type: delusions that the person has some physical defect or general medical condition
• Mixed Type: delusions characteristic of more than one of the above types but no one theme predominates
Depending upon whether or not Cruella actually believes she has cancer (which no one can really say, it could just as easily be a flat-out manipulative lie as it could be a delusion) she definitely fits with Persecutory Type Delusional Disorder or Mixed type for both Persecutory and Somatic if she thinks she has cancer.

  

It’s such a relief to know what is wrong with her. We all know she is crazy, even Bruce is very aware that she is crazy; hell even some of her siblings have contacted Sebastian to say “she is really crazy and messed up and needs help” but it’s nice to know that what she has is something that is a legitimate, diagnosable illness

I think it helps a lot now that Cruella and Sebastian are divorced. I think that he and the kids didn’t realize just how sick and in need of help she was until they had some distance. Now there are a lot more people to verify “whoa this behavior is really scary and not the norm!” She’s so invested in Sebastian being the only one that had a problem, as though any relationship ends because of just one person. As though it’s one or the other, like if he has issues it proves she’s not batshit crazy when really both of those things can be true! I am glad that more people around are reminding Bruce and Sebastian, and hopefully some around Harley will begin noticing too, that Cruella and reality just don’t coexist. I’m ready for this whole latest custody saga to be over. Even though Bruce is with Sebastian, has been here for 2 months, has moved all his things here and they’ve moved to a larger place, a judge still has to officially give custody to Sebastian. Even though I know it’s a necessary evil at times, I get so tired of hearing her name and talking about her and thinking about her. Her angry bitter negativity is absolutely toxic. I’m not surprised that Sebastian decided there’s no way he could stay sober (if I haven’t mentioned, he’s a recovering alcoholic) and be with her. The woman is truly rotten inside. While I do feel sorry for her clearly having a very serious mental illness, she’s also just a mean abusive person in addition to being sick. I’m so glad Sebastian and Bruce escaped, I just hope one day we can get Harley out, if it’s not already too late for her. 😦

Parenting Fails – 50 Shades of Grey

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We found out last night that Sebastian’s ex-wife watched “50 Shades of Grey” with his fifteen year old son and ten year old daughter. Yes, the rated R, sexually explicit, BDSM film. Super appropriate, no? Remind me how he’s the bad parent?

Ridiculous and sad

1cb5b9aaac97d97aa7d73a3a72f2fff5Well, the b**** ex-wife finally mentioned me on her “anonymous” blog. Yesterday morning, Bruce called Sebastian into his room, I didn’t think anything about it until he pulled me aside looking concerned. I thought something was really wrong but he told me that she was talking about me on the blog. Bruce came in later and said it was brief, she called me “needy”, said I’m “terrified she will steal him from me” and that I’m crazy. I appreciated Bruce being so concerned about my feelings.

Sebastian and I had a good laugh over the “stealing him” thing. Considering the sound of her voice makes him physically ill that’s never been a concern. It’s sad to me that she might actually believe that’s true. More than likely she just wants people to believe that’s true. One thing that does bother me is that she put my real last name on there. Some people she’s given nicknames to and other people she uses their real name for some reason. She apparently believes we can’t see the blog because she blocked Bruce, but he reads it. He’s actually the only one that does. I have chosen not to give her the energy or time and Sebastian just frankly doesn’t care. He prints it off once a week to give copies to his lawyer and therapist but that’s it. Apparently she’s written about her sexual exploits with several men, back when she still had custody of both the kids. Her “boyfriend” was married to someone else and she also talks openly about that.24e12a8111b28244b08d12c123859f7dI don’t judge people’s lifestyles as long as they don’t hurt anyone else but imagine a judge wouldn’t be a fan of those things. What’s really sick is that her 15 year old son is reading all that! We can’t really stop him, but I think I may gently suggest to him that it’s not healthy. The stuff about her “cancer” really upsets him, in part because he’s afraid on one level that it might be true. Sebastian and I don’t think it is, but no matter what a profoundly mentally and emotionally unstable person she is, and no matter how mean and angry and abusive she is to him, he’s her son and he loves her.

An anonymous blog filled with lies…

In a bit of irony, Sebastian’s ex has apparently started an “anonymous” blog. I put anonymous in quotes because she decided to change her name but follow her son Bruce’s blog. The reason it became obvious that it’s her (besides the fact that the basics of the first post match up perfectly although they’re exaggerated and highly dramatized…) is that when Bruce noticed he had a new follower, visited her blog, and liked her post, she blocked him. Even though she had been following him first! The reason I find this extremely ironic is that I would never have started this blog anonymously if she didn’t read my blog. I felt that I couldn’t talk about Sebastian and the kids there and share my heart and fears openly because I knew she would use anything she could to hurt me, Sebastian, and the kids.

the-most-dangerous-liars-are-those-who-think-they-are-telling-the-truth-quote-1The really sad thing is that this “anonymous” blog is filled with exaggerations and lies. The biggest one being that she has “inoperable stage three breast cancer.” This is a complete and total lie, she does not have breast cancer, let alone inoperable stage three breast cancer. She claims on the blog that she’s moving “herself and her daughter from the city they love to another state to live with a friend so she has support while fighting cancer” when the truth is that she was fired from her job because she’s a really awful person and her boss and coworkers didn’t like her because she’s a bitch to everyone around her. She wasn’t able to find a job, not even a much lower paying clerical job; so she’s moving to another state because basically no one likes her. She’s supposedly going to be getting help for her mental health problems but I doubt that, especially given this new blog filled with dramatic claims that are completely untrue. We are going to be watching the blog for a GoFundMe link because I suspect she’s going to start trying to get money from people for her “cancer treatments.”

She also claims to be in an “expensive and difficult custody battle” over Bruce, when the truth is that she told him she didn’t want him to come back home in one of her rages, and he used that excuse to move back home with Sebastian because he just can’t take the emotional and psychological abuse anymore. It’s really not surprising that her blog is filled with really fantastical lies. She’s been making up new and increasingly crazy stories about things Sebastian “did to her” when they were married. The latest is that he “threw a refrigerator at her.” She also claimed Bruce saw this happen and Bruce has absolutely no memory of that or of anything that would have to accompany such an attack such as doctor’s visits, or cleaning up the mess that something like that would cause. She mentioned on the blog that Sebastian “liked to use his fists” so she’s obviously working up to some sort of battered ex-wife lie which is sad because there is so much domestic violence in this country, and so many people who don’t get help or can’t get help, who are legitimately scared for their lives, to lie about it is to slap actual domestic violence survivors in the face. She’s always wanted attention, but I can’t imagine what she thinks this blog will accomplish. Probably she will never even update it again past the first post. She’s not going to get a lot of instant attention unless she shares it with family and friends. It takes work to get traffic to your blog.

I think what frustrates me the most about it is that she continues to paint herself as some sort of a victim, like Sebastian is still “torturing” her after she “escaped” their “horribly abusive” marriage. When the truth is, a year after their divorce, he’s still paying on all her credit card bills that he for some reason agreed to take responsibility for when they divorced. She purposely ran up charges on the Victoria Secret credit card that was in his name after they separated, and then stuck him with the nearly $2,000 bill. Even though he’s taken complete responsibility for Bruce, he’s still paying child support for Harley. He’s not asking his ex-wife for a cent, and he’s the one who has paid the lawyer to draw up the new papers (they used the same lawyer for their divorce.) I’m honestly sometimes surprised he’s not paying to move her to the other state. He basically gives her so much money he often eats ramen, as a grown, professional, 41 year old man. I hate her so much that I wish I could slap her in the face, and I have never been a violent person. She makes me sick, that people like her exist in the world. I don’t see that she gives anything positive to the world or the people around her, she’s just a waste. It’s sad, because I know her childhood must have been really f****** up to make her this sick and mentally ill, but how many people should one person be allowed to hurt and use? It just makes me angry that anyone would believe the lies that she tells, when Sebastian has gone out of his way to be nice and helpful and BEYOND fair to her the entire time they’ve separated and divorced.

The Facebook Betrayal

Since December 2014 – the first and last time Picture-1that I had an interaction with Sebastian’s ex-wife – I have had her blocked on Facebook. That holiday visit was the most epic meltdown I’ve ever been adjacent to (See my post “I Hate My Boyfriend’s Ex-Wife” for more on that) which convinced me that there was zero reason to ever interact with her. Sebastian had blocked her soon after we began dating, when he had posted a funny video and the comment that he laughed so hard he was “afraid I would wake up my girlfriend sleeping in the bedroom.” When the ex saw that, she called him and yelled at him for about 45 minutes.

Before this summer break began, in a rare moment of acting like a normal, sane person, she asked if Sebastian would unblock her so that she could see photos he took of the kids during break. It seemed like a reasonable request, so he did. I told him at that time that I would continue to block her, so he needed to make sure to save any photos I took and posted on my page, and post them again on his page so she could see them. Everything seemed to be going fine…

Until we went to a restaurant to celebrate Sebastian’s 41st birthday. His mother, the kids, and I all went to dinner and we took a couple photos that weren’t very good. His ex-wife hates me and hates his mother as well. She had previously said that she didn’t want to see any photos with me in them. During a conversation with Sebastian, she asked him if he planned to post the photos from the restaurant because she hadn’t seen them yet. At the time, it did immediately sink in to anyone that she knew what restaurant we had been to, the kids could have mentioned it to her after all. Then, a day or so later, she told Sebastian’s 15 year old son (I guess I should give the kids pseudonyms too, we will call him Bruce) Bruce not to change his facebook password. This was random and out of nowhere, it’s almost like she was setting this up because why would she say that to him?! He realized what was happening and he felt guilty about it even though he hadn’t done anything wrong. He went to his dad and told him that he was pretty sure his mom was using his facebook account to look at my page. Bruce was conflicted about what to do. Sebastian told me what was going on and I immediately said that I would just go ahead and block Bruce on facebook too. He rarely uses it for much of anything, since kids aren’t really into facebook, and if I blocked him it would save him the conflict with his mom that would ensue if he changed his password. Or so I thought!

Less than 24 hours later, the meltdown commenced. Bruce’s cellphone rang and it was his mom. There was nothing alarming about this as she calls the children at least once per day. Unfortunately it was the kind of call that Sebastian has gotten used to receiving – she was irrationally angry and screaming, wanting to lash out and hurt the people that upset her. In this case, it was her own son. She began yelling at him, telling him that he had betrayed her. She said that he had chosen me over her, and he was a hateful, selfish child who didn’t deserve her love. She said that she hoped he would be happy with his “new family” ie Sebastian and myself because she didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. She told him he was no  longer invited to spend the last two weeks of the summer with her parents, his grandparents, that she was not going to call and talk to him anymore, and that he was not even going to be able to visit her on holidays. (Oh, have I mentioned, Bruce is moving here to live with Sebastian? That’s a whole separate long post. It’s been a crazy summer!)

As you can see, that was a complete overreaction as well as being extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. These are the types of tirades that have come to be normal interactions with Sebastian but neither of the kids have ever had a full blown meltdown directed at them to my knowledge. This all happened because she logged in to Bruce’s facebook to spy on my page and couldn’t find me anymore. She realized that he must have told me and even though I had been trying to spare him the abuse by blocking him so he wouldn’t have to change his password, he was attacked anyway. This time, Sebastian had enough. He has never stood up for himself with her the way that I think that he should, taking much more verbal abuse than a human being ever should, but he stood up for his son. Sebastian told her that she is a sick individual. He said he has never told her this before but that she needed to know that she is very mentally ill and that she needs to seek help. He told her he would no longer allow her to talk to their children like that and to emotionally abuse them. He told her that kind of behavior was abuse and that if she doesn’t get help and get better that he will have to take custody of their daughter away from her. Eventually her anger faded and she broke down crying. People say: “hurt people hurt other people.” That may be true but there’s only a tiny part of me that can feel bad for her, because she’s 40 years old and a parent. No matter how bad her childhood and her marriage and her life have been, it doesn’t give her the right to abuse her children.

In the end, Bruce went ahead and changed his password on Facebook, hell he had already been yelled at! I felt very violated up until the point that she attacked Bruce, and then I realized it’s not really about me. Her sneaking around to look at my facebook page, looking at all my photos, secretly reading my posts, none of that is about me. That’s all about her low self-esteem, her emotional problems, and her mental illness. She doesn’t really care that Sebastian is with me, she hates that Sebastian is happy because she wants him to be as miserable as she is. (Even though she has a boyfriend too – not even sure how sick that poor dude must be to want to date her! O_o ) I feel very sorry for her. I’ve never wanted kids, but her kids are pretty cool. How sad it must be to not appreciate these cool little people that you gave birth to, instead seeing them only as pawns in a giant game of chess with her ex-husband. All she wants to do is win, the kids are collateral damage. This whole thing has made it crystal clear and now even Sebastian can’t deny that she does not care about anyone but herself. Whether she’s capable of caring we will probably never know, but it’s really clear that she doesn’t care about the feelings and mental health of her kids, all she cares about is punishing someone when she’s hurt. That’s really really effing sad.

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